The Sandwich Generation - a growing pandemic

The sandwich generation is best defined as: individuals who simultaneously have young children and aging parents to care for.

We hear a lot about the difficulties of becoming a parent. The struggles of post-natal depression, baby blues and hormonal changes have become more widely known with a growing acceptance along with it. For me, becoming a mother is by far the most insightful, heart warming, scary, challenging and beautiful experience. It opens up your eyes to a world not previously available. As if you have just stepped into a new and improved identity which is exciting and precious, yet leaves you longing for parts of the old identity. My point here is, it's common to hear about the joys and difficulties of becoming a parent. There are books, forums, free help available, mothers groups, dad’s groups, education systems and a society who sympathises.

Something not discussed quite as much (yet) are the challenges faced by those children once they are adults once it becomes their turn to be the carer. A carer for both their own babies and children as well as their elderly and increasingly dependent parents. No one really talks about how one day you won't be able to rely on your parents who live close by to pick up your children from daycare. Either because they are too scared to drive, or because injuries mean they cannot pick up my children from the ground when they scrape their knee. 

At 68 and 72, my parents are older but not what I would consider elderly. I suppose I considered that something that would occur once a person reaches age 80 or more. Both my mother and father have health challenges such as being overweight, heart issues, high blood pressure and alzeimers. For them, it looks as if every 1 year has been 3 or 4 and they are aging more and more rapidly. Every week or two my father sees a specialist, complains about it and then goes back to sitting on the couch to ‘rest’ and watch old cowboy movies. Alzeimers does not favour an inactive mind or body, though lifting a refrigerator with one hand would be easier to convince him otherwise. He will not leave the house without my mother. My mother is more independent. She does water aerobics twice a week, has social clubs like sewing groups she attends and enjoys time on her own without anyone to answer to. She is also fragile, very shy and relies a lot on my father to ‘do the talking’. They have been married for 45 years and have 3 children together.

Both my older sister and brother had their children some years ago when my parents were still fit and able to care for, play with, chase after and carry young children. 10 years later when it was my time for children, this is not the case. Both parents are bigger, slower, injured, more inactive, more tired, have more health issues and are stubborn. Neither can walk to the end of my street to come play at the park with the kids or walk with us whilst the children ride their bikes around the block. It is one block. Every time I speak with or see my parents I hear about their health problems and next doctor appointments which doesn't bother me, though it’s sad when it seems as if this is now the only thing they have left to talk about.

The other night we had them over for dinner and I could smell something that distinctly reminded me of urine. My almost 4 year old had not had any accidents and after checking my son’s nappy, it was dry. Then I realised it was my mother. She was embarrassed thus didn't say anything, though the smell gave it away and to make it more obvious, our dog went sniffing around the ares. The small was strong and after the left we had to air the house and sofa she was sitting on. This was a minor accident, though one I imagine will occur more frequently until the point that there is little to no bladder control left. Of course I fear the inevitable that one day soon one of them will pass and the other will need to be cared for. Private aged care homes are costly and public are often shameful. There isn’t a room in our house and a live-in nurse is often unaffordable. 

It is one of those things beyond my control, beyond anyone’s control. As the world’s population grows older and there isn't enough care available, what will happen to the elderly? In Australia there is a very low aged-care pension though this barely covers the basic cost of living, there is simply not enough left for support or care. It would bankrupt the country to do so. It seems growingly obvious that unless an older person has money to their name or children to care for them, they are destined to live in a public aged-care facility which compared to living alone and not caring for yourself, cannot be the worst thing in the world. 

If you find yourself in the same generation, wiping bums at both ends, just take it as it comes. We cannot predict what may happen when and when I'm old and grey and have slowed down significantly, all I can hope for is that my loved ones will care for me and visit me whilst allowing my independence and dignity. Everyone deserves that.